A decade ago, my mother sat us down and said she had signed a DNI.
A decade ago, I rushed to the hospital to ask my dad if it was true only to find him semi unconscious and untouched by my presence.
A decade ago, I paced the halls of an oncology ward, listen to “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” by Gary Allen at 2 o’clock in the morning.
A decade ago, I watched as so many friends, family, and loved ones came to say good bye to the greatest man they’ve ever known.
A decade ago, I also said good bye to this legend.
A decade later, I can’t believe it’s been a decade.
There is something so jarring about memories that are permanently engraved in your brain. Like an etch-a-sketch that can’t be shaken away, no amount of sunsets, alcoholic beverages, or therapy can remove that 24 hours from my mind.
I was twenty two and I thought I knew everything. I had just graduated from college. I was moving to Lexington, Kentucky to pursue my dreams. I was moving in with my first boyfriend. I was an adult. I had fully grown.
Only I hadn’t.
Because like all dark days, there is a pre- and a post. They are jarring. They are scarring. And they will forever change you.
The minute I walked out of that hospital, I was a different person than the girl who had walked in.
I was less reactive. I had already seen the worst, so what else was there to see?
I was more protective. I understood what a loss that you could never regain meant. This wasn’t a break up or a move across state lines. I would never see him again. Indefinitely.
I was sedate. I know this sounds strange, but it felt as though quick sand had risen up to my chest. I can remember calmly driving the hour and a half home. I can remember stoically shopping for the dress I would wear to the funeral. I can remember calmly facing my first love at the calling hours and telling him that this wasn’t the place to speak. And I can remember calmly walking to that pew and giving my first eulogy.
I know what my high school friends were wearing. I can remember the grimace on my grandmothers face. I can taste the Twizzler that my brother handed me before the service and the Miller Lite my sister handed me after.
But maybe that’s what brings light to the dark days, and why those memories are so thoroughly etched into my brain; forever nonerasable.
Because the first few dark days were truly dark. The first few September 5th’s were so bleak. But then like cracks in the shield, lightness slowly seeped in.
I stopped thinking of everything as B.D. and A.D.
Before Dad and After Dad.
I stopped envisioning the disease and started remembering the man.
And I stopped allowing myself to be labelled as damaged goods. I wasn’t just the girl who lost her father. I was the farm manager. The equestrian. The scientist. The girlfriend. The fiancé. The friend.
And with those realizations, I started to see the glimmer of hope.
In 10 years, so much as changed. My siblings have both married amazing people and I am engaged to a third – none of which my dad had the privilege to meet, but both of which his best friends thoroughly interrogated.
All three of us have finished our graduate degrees. My sister as an orthopedic surgeon, my brother as an attorney, and me with a doctorate. He didn’t get to go to a single graduation, but my mother and aunt cheered loudly enough for him.
Because B.D. was such an amazing time, it set the bar high for A.D. But we retaliated. We took those cards and played the best hand we possibly could.
But it’s been a decade. Ten years. 3,650 days. 5,256,000 minutes.
I can remember his face but I can’t remember his voice.
I can envision his words of criticism and confidence, but I don’t remember his phone number.
And yet without thinking, I still try to hit send on my contact list, a decade later.
I have now spent almost half of my life without my father in comparison to what i got. I have conquered so many goals, and yet lost so many battles. I have paved paths and wandered aimlessly. I have hit the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.
With him, we had one hell of a family. A decade later, without him, we still do.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that a decade later, I still love him. There is no past tense to that declaration. But a decade later, I am so much stronger. So much better. So much braver. And none of that would be true if a decade ago I hadn’t faced the worst 24 hours of my life.
So on this dark day, that is what I think of. How bad it was. How hard it was. How breathtaking it was. How excruciating it was.
And yet, how much it changed me. How much it molded me. How much it strengthened me. And how much it defined the next ten years.
Twenty two years of preparation with him, and ten years of a gauntlet after. Sink or swim, they say. Do or die.
Well, we did, Dad. We treaded water for a while, but then we swam. It only took a decade. But we’re here. Head above the surf.
And that’s surely something to be proud of. To be amazed by. And for that, we thank you.
I love you Dad. 10 to 2.
A few weeks ago, I pulled my talented horses shoes.
So many of you have followed along with my journey with Nixon, and waited in anticipation for the great things we would do. You wanted to see us go to Rolex, or at least win a 1*.
And I understand why.
When he wants to.
When he doesn’t want to, he bolts. And then stops. He uses that athleticism for evil instead of good, and it’s bad enough to take my breath away.
Before Nixon, I had never truly understood fear.
I remember riding in a charity steeplechase a few years ago and commiserating with my fellow riders. They were all worried about their horses bolting off with them, and I laughed and said “Just bridge your reins and hold on. The horse will eventually slow down.” I shook my head and walked away, wondering how someone could be scared of a gallop. How you could not trust your horse to come back? Every horse eventually got tired and slowed down.
And then I understood it. I felt it.
Because I have yet to feel Nixon get tired.
What I have felt is the opposite. For he isn’t malicious. I truly believe that he breaks into a gallop when he doesn’t understand something, or when he feels unbalanced. Fight or flight? Nixon does both. He runs, but he runs TOWARDS the thing that scares him in order to attack. And I have almost no control when he does so.
And right when I feel like I have made a break through, something happens to set me back 17 steps. A few years ago, it was a popped splint. Last year it was a shattered hind leg. This spring, I thought I had made a break through, only to find out that I hadn’t.
We were going solidly at beginner novice, and for the first time ever I had a horse that was rideable on XC, and moreso was fun in stadium. I had just taken him to a local jumper show at 3’ and won every class we entered. He was finally FUN.
But trying to be a good owner, I had my veterinarian out to check him over. Was anything bothering him? Any last lingering bit of unhappiness caused by pain? And we found out that he still flexed positive on the leg that he had fractured. So without hesitation, I had his ankle and hock injected.
And after a few days off, I swung back up, ready for the rest of the year. Jumper shows, local derbies, and maybe even a recognized event were in our very near future. Only, instead of better, he was worse. It was almost as if he felt so good that he wanted to run. His soreness was what had made him rideable.
And I just don’t want to ride a horse that I only can when he hurts. I don’t want to push a horse to do something he doesn’t enjoy. And I won’t risk my own safety or sanity to do so.
I ride alone 99% of the time, and on those off days, I see flashes of what could happen if those bad days turned to the worst. I have seen friends and family lose loved ones because of those freak accidents, and I refuse to knowingly put myself in a situation that could end like that. As an eventer, I already perform high risk tasks. I need not add any more risk with a partner that I do not trust.
And I’ve been told by so many that maybe it will just take a few years, or a month or two off. I’ve been told by others to never quit, and even more that he can’t be as bad as I make him out to be.
I have read the memes telling me that the tough horses make us better riders. I have also read the blogs about finding the right horse for you. One turns my head and soul to the left, the other to the right. I have never felt more bipolar.
But I know myself, my strengths, and my limitations. I also know and love this horse enough to tell when he’s happy. And that is on the buckle, adventuring through anywhere on a leisurely walk. He loves road hacks and trail rides. He loves exploring. And he loves doing so regardless of if he’s wearing shoes or ridden 6 days a week.
And I know that I enjoy going to the barn every day to ride Mak and a few babies. I love the training process with a horse who enjoys to be trained. I like committing myself to a goal and then achieving it.
I do not project my goals on anyone else, so I apologize for saying that I can’t achieve any goals that the rest of the world has set for me. For Nixon. For us.
Because for now, we are just taking a break. That break might be until next spring, or even just until one of my other horses gets hurt. We might never return to an arena, or we might pick up a new sport like endurance riding-I’m truly not sure.
He’s healthy. He’s sound. He’s fat and happy, and he loves his life. His shoes might be off, and his back not covered in sweat once a day, but he is fine.
It’s not giving up, it’s not giving in. I am not admitting defeat or throwing in the towel. I am simply recognizing that not all horses are created equal, and that riding for me is a hobby-and a fun hobby at that. And I’m realizing that not all horses crave the sport like we humans wish they did.
For now, he is happy. For now, I am happy. And for our future? Nobody knows. But at this moment, we are taking a deep breath, a long break, and a reboot. When we reset, only Nixon and I know.
I am a perfectionist.
Sure, my house is filthy. And yes, my truck is full of dirty bandages and 17 pairs of shoes.
But, perfectionists aren’t always obsessed with cleanliness.
Instead, I’m obsessed with doing a good job. I hate criticism and I despise being told I messed up. And this carries into so many aspects of my life, and makes me turn into what so many people call the most competitive person they’ve ever met.
And yet I’ve spoken time and time again about how a true competitor isn’t just obsessed with trophies and blue ribbons. Instead, our battles, victories, and losses can be felt on a much smaller scale.
I get annoyed when I’m told I could have given a better presentation at a research conference. I’m frustrated when my fiancé tells me that my truck is disgusting. And when my riding isn’t going well? Well, it drives me to drink.
A couple of months ago I had a bad fall.
I was riding a young horse in a lesson, and aiming for my last line. The jumps were only 2’6, the footing was good, and the weather didn’t interfere. But it was as if he never saw the jump, and upon landing, he just went down. At first to his knees, and then as momentum slid him an additional 15 feet, he fell to his side – trapping me underneath him.
I laid there in the heat, and stared into the sky, not able to get my breath. I heard screams and the sound of boots hitting the dirt as both my clinician and my friends ran to my side, and I slowly counted to ten, making sure I was fully aware of my surroundings. I rolled my shoulders, wiggled my toes, and took a few deep breaths as they all demanded I not move.
And then the pain began.
Only, as a true (stupid) equestrian, I ignored it. I stood up and immediately walked to my horse. I followed him to the barn and stared at his lacerated legs, while ignoring my own throbbing knee. I watched as my friends grabbed my tack, grabbed my truck and trailer, and ran around doing exactly what good friends did – they assessed, they treated, and they planned.
And I sat there while icing my leg, and just began to panic.
Because as a perfectionist, I didn’t see the glass half full. I didn’t sit there and think “well, I at least walked away from that one.” Instead, I freaked.
I was sure my summer was over. I was sure my knee was surgical. And maybe even worse, I was sure that my mistake, my bad distance, my failed attempt at a jump, left my young horse damaged. Mentally or physically, I assumed that it was entirely my fault. I had ruined a good horse, and I could never take that one bad jump back.
And then the downward spiral began. Only, my riding didn’t.
I continued to tack up and ride off, ignoring my sisters pleas to take a break and my doctors advice that I shouldn’t ride until I could run. So ride on I did, and ride well I did not.
Because the perfectionist in me wanted the year of 2018 to go well, without realizing that without my perfectly sound and fit body, I couldn’t force that to happen. I refused to let the other riders get ahead, I refused to let my year of preparation get left behind. I didn’t want to say that I accomplished nothing in this year, and so instead of taking the time to heal, I kicked on.
A few weeks ago, I came off again. For someone who doesn’t fall off very often, this time felt worse. Because this time it wasn’t because of a bad spot or a quick stop. It was simply a shift in weight and an unprepared rider.
Due to my damaged knee, I didn’t have the same scrappiness I had become so well known for. I couldn’t stick the simplest misstep, and without the grip of my knee, my ass landed firmly on the ground. Was I ok? Physically, yes. But emotionally? No. Because yet again, I was ending that event on a letter instead of a number, and to my perfectionists mind, that was hell. And even worse, it was my fault.
I knew in my mind that I wasn’t riding at 100%, and yet I kicked on. I wanted to be perfect, but was running myself into imperfection by not riding when I was perfectly sound.
And I see this a lot, around me, even amongst my inner circle. I see us as eventers kicking on when we are ill-prepared just because we are so adamant to not be labelled as the quitter. The wimp. The one who falls off. The one who gives up.
We pride ourselves in rehabilitating things – specifically our horses, and the quicker the better. We ask for the laser, the shockwave, the Theraplate, and the sweat. My doctor only stared at my with his mouth agape when I asked about Surpass and PEMF. We are willing to doctor our own horses while ignoring sprains and bruises on our own bodies.
That night, my horse was iced, lasered, sweated, and administered NSAIDs while I myself ignored the doctors orders to stay immobile and rest. The minute I was released from the hospital, I took those crutches and raced to the barn to inspect the bandages that my friends had put on him. I ran my hands along his body, assessing for swelling and heat, all the while ignoring my ever-swelling knee.
Not surprisingly, my horse healed almost instantly, while my knee continued to flare.
Not surprisingly, I didn’t care.
Because although I am a perfectionist, it appears to be at the risk of my own perfect body. And isn’t that the trend for our sport? We applaud those who swing back on, just as long as their horses are well tended to. We argue that the horse doesn’t have a voice while the rider does. But I have yet to meet a rider to admit pain. To admit that they don’t feel balanced, or can’t grip, kick, or go into two point.
Instead, we pop some ibuprofen, pull on the Back on Track sleeve, and take a hot epsom salt bath later – usually stolen from the very tack rooms that we have recently left.
We share stories of pins and screws, breaks and tears, and smack each other on the back as we give a leg up. These same pins that would make us run during a PPE in a horse, or tears that would find us screaming to our veterinarian to come running.
We administer our horses the perfect care, while ignoring our own pain. We think that as long as we can get around that next course, or qualify for that next level, that we are living the perfect life. While in the meantime, we are failing our own bodies. We are setting ourselves up for an imperfect life. For if we are not perfectly healed, we are not riding to our best abilities.
Because we as perfectionist don’t treat ourselves perfectly.
And maybe that is something we need to discuss more than any rehab offered to our equine counterparts. Perfectionism doesn’t just appear on a record or in ribbons. Perfectionism can come by making the perfect decisions for both our own bodies in addition to our horses, and treating them as the only ones we will ever be offered. And maybe, just maybe, as we make those hard decisions for our own bodies, they lead to a better outcome for our equine counterparts. I can only hope so.
I met this young girl a few years ago.
I had seen her at shows previously, but never knew who she was. She was always the one on the rail with a camera strapped around her neck or blocking her face. She was always in breeches although I rarely saw her on a horse. And she was always wearing the same hat…every time.
I didn’t know her, but I knew of her. You see, the horse industry in Lexington, KY is surprisingly small, and the eventing industry even moreso. 100 square miles separate you from an Olympian, and even less stand between you and a sheikh. Very little goes unnoticed, or so I thought.
Because that day, I thought nothing more of the awkward 17 year old standing before me with the goofy hat.
She tentatively said hello, and I boisterously responded back. She quietly asked me about my horse, and I loudly responded by telling her that our first training was in just a few weeks.
I told her that eventing hadn’t always come easy to me, and that my mental demons were worse than most. I explained how training level had always been a mental block, and how nervous I was for the show ahead. And then I told her that if I made it to that finish line, I would be the happiest person alive.
And after hearing my story, she looked me dead in the eye and said that if this was that big of a deal to me, than she had to be there.
Weeks later, as sweat mixed with the tears streaming down my face, I saw that same hat at the finish flags, and the young girl wearing it with a camera in front of her eyes and a smile across her face.
And that’s how I met JJ.
I don’t write a lot of blogs about people, because I don’t ever want to offend. But I’ve thought a lot about a blog about this treasure that we had amongst us.
Many of you know JJ for her pictures, and some of you for her snapchats. Some of you might know her for her advocacy for therapeutic riding, and even fewer for her take on politics. It seems to be that these days, you can find JJ just about everywhere.
And yet what I think goes unnoticed beyond the pictures and the publications is the truly amazing human underneath the ridiculous hat. The empath. The educator. The peacemaker. The champion.
She is a champion for all things different. Through her own personal struggles with normalcy and the challenges each day brings, she is the fresh face of the anti-bullying campaign that is so needed amongst our young riders.
She speaks often of her own social anxiety and the reasons she wears her headphones and her hat, and has turned something to be bullied about into a staple. A trophy. This hat which has adorned so many 4* horses ears and so many 4* riders heads.
But she is also a cheerleader. While so many beg for JJ’s pictures, those of us who know her well beg for her smiles and screams. On countless occasions, I have received an uplifting message or just a yelp across the arena as her smile dissipates all nerves. She is the first to crack a joke in a tense situation, and the first to offer a high five after a personal best.
I have watched so many young girls begin to look up to the following JJ has obtained, and attempt to follow in her first steps. It amuses me to no end to watch the evolution, but I am so proud to call her friend. She is the fiercest defender of our sport, and the riders in it, and a true champion for all things horses. Moreso, she is a fantastic mentor for so many young girls in such a tough age within such a tough sport.
I don’t know how to end this, except for to simply say—JJ, we love you.
Sure, your photos are epic. And yes, your style is second to none. But moreso, we love you for just being you. For being the best cheerleader, and most fearless voice, and the most fluid friend.
Happy birthday JJ. May it be great, just like you.
I started having anxiety attacks just a couple of summers ago.
I would drive to the barn after a good day at work, and swing on my first horse. Shoulder in, canter half pass, rein back, or a caveletti or two, my ride would go well.
I would untack, hose off, sweatscrape him, and place him back in his cool stall. I would undo his halter, swing it over his head, and calmly hang it on the door in front of him.
And then I would walk to the stall of my other horse, reach for his halter, and suddenly feel a pit in my stomach.
It is a feeling like nothing I can explain. Something I can only compare to the homesickness that I felt as a child when my parents would drop me off at my grandparents for a sleepover.
Something like the walls closing in on you, and extreme danger lying under your very feet-the feet standing on ground which just recently felt sturdy.
Something like an upset stomach and a tension headache rolled into one.
Suddenly, I was in my truck heading home without riding that second horse. Suddenly, I was on my couch an hour earlier than planned, with nothing left to do with my evening but stare at the TV. Suddenly, I was angry at myself for falling victim to this internal demon telling me that I wasn’t safe. That I needed to leave. That I shouldn’t stay.
And the worst part was, the very place that I was escaping from had always previously been my escape.
I didn’t truly understand what I was dealing with until I opened up to a colleague who immediately, and simply, just said “Oh. You had an anxiety attack.”
And with that, I realized I was suffering from a mental illness.
Luckily for me, I came from a family that is understanding of these illnesses and fully supported speaking about them and getting help. I at least didn’t feel alone.
But it isn’t until you are going through it yourself that you truly understand just how your mind can take over.
And just how much damage that can do to your life.
Because I was unhappy in my riding, unhappiness seeped into every other aspect of my life.
I felt unaccomplished. I felt frustrated. I felt disabled. And I felt like a failure.
I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just rationalize with myself. Why couldn’t I just tell my brain that I was perfectly safe swinging onto Mak? Why couldn’t I just tell my body to put his halter on and pull him out? Why couldn’t I just make myself do what I knew would ultimately make me happy.
But I couldn’t.
We’ve heard it a lot in the past few days. Mental health knows no boundaries. Wealth, gender, sexual orientation, status, beauty, or even age.
And it certainly didn’t discrimate against me.
It doesn’t restrict itself to your youth, and it doesn’t judge which activity it will inhibit. It doesn’t listen to your passions, and it doesn’t discriminate on time.
And we as a society need to fully appreciate that. Open up to that loved one or that colleague. Listen to the advice on that therapist or seek out that specific medication. Speak of these diseases and disorders as if we have the flu or an infection. And offer no judgement for those who approach us asking for help. For assistance. For an ear or a shoulder.
All it took for me was someone who I loved telling me that what I was experience was normal. Was experienced by millions of others around the world. She gave me advice on steps to overcome it, and offered assistance when I felt another wave of emotions roll in.
But moreso; she was just there.
A friend who knew the truth. A friend who texted to see how I was. A friend who offered no judgment.
And at the end of the day, that is the first step towards progress with these diseases and disorder. A loss of judgement and an understanding of truth. May we all take a moment today to truly try to do either, or both.
Because the people you think of as the happiest, or the strongest, can ultimately be the ones who are suffering the most. They put on a brave face, post a pretty picture, or even wrote an uplifting blog. But they are suffering too. So many of us are.
To access the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, click here.
To speak to someone about your own concerns of mental health, click here.
I am an equine scientist.
I know, I know, many of you are currently sitting behind your monitor or laptop and thinking “yes Carleigh, we knew this,” but few of you probably understand what this means.
I spend most of my morning on a research facility. A horse farm that serves as a location where we can house “research animals.” Only instead of lab rats, I have a herd of horses. Thoroughbreds, Quarter Horses, Morgans, and mutts, they all exist on the North Farm. And I voyage out to this field full of beautiful, well kept, happy ponies and begin my studies.
Currently, this means that I am taking some blood samples on these mares to then isolate their immune cells. And then I take those immune cells to the lab and assess how they function after being exposed to various sex hormones in a Petri dish.
It is beneficial.
It is enlightening.
It is frustrating.
Because at the beginning of each new protocol, the research never works. And when the research doesn’t work, the researcher must troubleshoot.
This is what I have been going through for the past few months. Changing an incubation time, or the way I pipette. Altering the liquid with which we dissolve these hormones, or altering the amount of CO2 they’re exposed to.
And as I undergo this phase of my research, this time of my life full of so much frustration, I tend to lament to my colleague and fellow postdoctoral scholar, Shavahn.
But recently I explained to her that while this aspect of the learning curve is so stressful at times, it is actually the part I enjoy most.
Sure, it would be great if everything went smoothly and we instantaneously obtained data; thereby finishing the study. But when that happens, what would I learn?
I wouldn’t learn the tiny minute details that make these steroids function. I wouldn’t understand the biochemistry of just how these antagonists bind. I wouldn’t know the nuts and bolts of cell culture, and just what every tiny detail of my protocol does or means.
And I wouldn’t leave the lab at 6pm and head to the barn ready for a long ride on a green horse.
For I have realized that my riding is almost identical to my scientific exploration.
I do not crave the perfect ride on the packer, because then I would never improve. I do not crave the immediate means to the end, nor do I relish in the final endpoint and rest on my laurels.
I enjoy sitting astride that difficult young horse and unlocking the tiny details that make him tick. I enjoy the bad days as much as the good, for just like my science, it is the exploration of those bad days that improves not only my riding, but my understanding of the horse underneath me.
I learn during the stops. The unplanned dismounts. The tense flats, and the rushed strides.
I learn during the shows which end on a letter instead of a number, and the days where I never even get to swing a leg on.
And I learn during the phases of the training scale where I feel my ears pop from the rapid decent instead of the linear climb.
It isn’t during the good times that we truly understand what exactly is entailed when one aspires to be the best. This includes everything: the best rider, the best partner, the best colleague, the best scientist.
It is during the opposite of this that you find out what you are made of. Do you have the skill set? The ambition? The passion? The drive?
Can you make the controlled changes to assess if you’re fixing the problem? Can you be confident enough to do so, and yet willing enough to understand that it might take a day or ten to get any data?
This is what I believe sets some apart from others. I know that I crave the learning process of those failed experiments; those failed rides. What about you?
If you would like to learn more about my research, click here.
We have all been there. You get a horse going well, whether it be intentionally to market, or just because of a change in lifes plans, make an ad, set a price, and think, “Yes, in just a few days a stall will be open, and my bank account full!”
And then you wait. And wait some more. And begin to panic, and then begin to question. Did I not advertise him fairly? Did I set his price too high? Is he uglier than I thought? Do I have rose tinted glasses? What went wrong.
Often I hear the horse is to blame. His breeding is incorrect, or his height is too small. I hear the chestnut mare myths, and the thoroughbreds can never be hunters/dressage horse untruths.
But more often than not, its the owner or seller doing the horse the injustice. I’ve learned that by following a few simple rules, most can sell even the “unsellable” horses, and are quite easy to follow.
This can go both ways. I always recommend to my owners, fellow sellers, and equestrians to look at the market, have a good hard come to Jesus with yourself, and then set your price. Because price too high, and a horse will sit for an endless amount of time. But price too low, and a horse can be overlooked.
It is definitely more dangerous to get greedy than to sell cheap, but either side of this grey line can leave your horse overlooked. And I see it quite often.
Do not say that your horse schooling beginner novice is worth $20,000 unless you have one hell of a grand mover on video. Vice versa, do not say that your 8yo horse is a preliminary packer and price it at $7,500. I see those ads and immediately assume something is wrong with the horse – whether it be brains or vetting. And I always shoot a slight bit higher so leave some haggle room on my bottom dollar, but try not to get cocky.
Because the only thing you’re hurting by overpricing your horse is yourself.
So educate yourself on what your horse is actually worth. And if you’re not sure, ask some respected industry insiders for their opinion.
Advertise What You Say:
If your ad says that the horse is schooling novice, then your photos better damned well show a horse schooling novice. If your ad says that the horse is solidly showing 1st level and schooling second, than I better see some lateral work and shoulder in in that video.
It is hard to show that a horse can take a joke or loves hacks in a video, but those things should still be conveyed in some way through photos or videos.
More importantly, never oversell a horse. Do not say that the horse is doing 3′ courses if it once jumped one 3′ fence at the end of a grid. Do not say that it has confirmed auto changes just because you once felt it swap at a gallop. And don’t say that it’s amateur friendly if you wouldn’t put your dear friends on it for a road hack.
All that will happen is that a potential buyer will travel from afar to try a horse that they would have known all along wasn’t suitable for them. You are wasting their time. You are wasting your time. And you are potentially having someone come ride your horse who could interfere with his training. It never wins.
This goes alongside the advertise what you claim, but incorporates the little things that a video or a photo can’t always say. And moreso, highlights the one thing I try to avoid.
Because…I. Hate. Tire kickers.
And because I hate these tire kickers, I try to avoid them.
Tire Kicker (n): Someone who asks 72 questions about your horse, possibly even tries your horse, and takes up hours of our time without ever intending to buy said horse.
And I do so by being brutally honest about each and every horse that I sell. If I say this horse is amateur friendly, I mean it. If I say this horse has had no soundness issues, I mean it. If I tell you that he is on no supplements, no injections, and is low maintenance, I mean it.
So, in a nurshell, don’t lie.
If your horse doesn’t hack out well alone, and a fox hunter calls you to inquire – TELL THEM this. If your horse doesn’t do well in new environments, and a 12 year old pony clubber shows up to try him – TELL HER MOTHER. It’s these little “white lies” that make horse buyers wary of what they will encounter.
And you can twist the positives to outshine the negatives, but our job as horse sellers is a) make a good match, b) waste no ones time, and c) have everyone be safe.
So don’t let that kid come try your professional ride. Don’t tell that adult amateur that you *think* your horse will haul well alone when you’ve never tried it. Be careful with saying that your horse is confirmed as something you’ve never tried. It will make everyone’s life easier. And more importantly, safer.
In addition to this, having the basic information in a readable format on every ad is so key. Age, sex, height, discipline, location, and current level competing. Oh, and price. Nothing annoys me or most others more than not even having an idea of a price range. All it does is add 75 comments of people who could never afford your horse asking for a PM.
Photos and Video’s Make or Break A Sale:
I can’t say this enough. Have a conformation shot. Have a head shot. Have a shot of a horse flatting, and have a shot of him jumping. If you have stated that he has schooled XC and does water/ditches/banks – have a photo or video of him doing these. If you have said that he has competed at a recognized event, then it sure does pay off to have a photo of a horse braided and in formal tack doing dressage or stadium.
We live in a digital era. One where iPhone videos are good enough quality for a sales ad if edited correctly. But does it pay off to have a good friend with a good camera come out and shoot some shots? Get some video? Heck ya. And if you don’t, be prepared to pay a photographer to do so (shout out JJ Sillman).
But good screen shots can be grabbed, and plenty of video footage can be edited together.
Just promise me ONE thing: LANDSCAPE. Tell any of your friends, fiances, or fellow boarders to hold your phone in the correct direction, and say it with me: ZOOM is your friend!
Present Yourself and Your Horse In the Best Light:
This sounds strange to say after saying to be brutally honest, but I mean this in a different way. Your sales photos and videos should be done in what I consider “Pony Club Attire.” I almost immediately ignore sales ads if either horse or rider look sloppy. Hair tied back. Helmet on. Breeches and tall boots with a clean polo tucked in, or if you ride western – clean jeans, clean boots, and button down also tucked in. Horse should be groomed to a shine, and mane/tail/forelock brushed out and neatly pulled/trimmed/done.
Clean boots on the horse, clean pad under the saddle. If you are doing a conformation shot, a clean bridle/halter on the horse, and no manure piles or broken boards behind it.
I could write an entire blog on what makes a good photo or a good video, but the most important is that if you wouldn’t show up to a local show in the attire, its not good enough for the video. And I hate to say “matchy” – but bold and crazy clashing colors only distract from the horse, and should be avoided.
The market is not down, and one breed is no harder to sell than another (eh hem, thoroughbreds). But we are quick to judge each other, and just as quick to judge a horse in front of us.
There are so many horses on the market currently, and not as many buyers, so do yourself and your horse a service by having him be marketable, presentable, correctly advertised, and buyable. Those are the keys to a successful sale.
It will help you. It will help your prospective buyers. But most importantly, it will help the safety and security of your horse and his future.
I text messaged my fiancé as I drove out of the Kentucky Horse Park, knowing he would want an update.
“Just finished with Nixon, heading home.”
And his response was a standard: “Everyone do ok?”
And I didn’t really know how to respond.
They were both GOOD, but both had had stops. Both had had some issues. But both had finished the day better for it instead of worse.
But that one stop, or that one bad distance, weighs heavily on someone like me. I have written before of just how Type A I am when it comes to my horses and their rides, and so one stop can feel like twenty. And one fall can feel like the end of the world.
But then I thought more about it as I drove home.
These are schooling days, and meant for exactly these situations to happen. At a schooling day and not a competition. Sort out your issues before they arise on your record, and more importantly before you’re running at speed trying to make time.
And for someone like me, my issues and the growing pains attached seem to be seen at schooling days.
For I am not complacent in my riding. And with the desire to rise, so comes the pain of the journey.
I have no shame placed on those who are complacent. When I started eventing again in 2012, I had one goal: Beginner Novice.
And then I got Mak, and that turned to Novice. And then two years later, it was Training. And now, in 2018, it is Prelim—at least for that horse.
Because Mak is THAT horse. The one who tries. Who is inherently good. Who aims to please. And so BN, and then N, and now T, began to feel easy. And with it, my goals increased.
But the road to this place wasn’t linear, not in any way, shape, or form. We had stops at down banks at Novice, and then he had a hiatus in the hunter rings. We ran into water demons at training, and now have decided that skinnies aren’t all that great.
But that’s fine.
He’s the type of horse that I can actually try to sort those things out, as he doesn’t just shut down. I have to realize that he and I are learning this together, and sometimes I grow while he regresses, and sometimes he grows while I curl into the fetal position.
And on the flip side, I can take those growing pains, learn something, and try to impart that knowledge on his younger brother.
Because for where Mak is Honest Abe, Nixon is Rico Suave. Where Mak is cool, calm, and collected, Nixon is Mach 10, 95% of the time. And while my goal for Mak is a T3D and a *possible* move up to Prelim, my goals for Nixon are so much smaller, and maybe so much more unobtainable.
For Nixon, I want rideable. Rateable. And enjoyable. We have had quite the bumpy relationship, full of more growing pains than I could have ever prepared for, but right now? Right now, I have a horse that is a ticking time bomb one minute, but a $500,000 import who has ran around every 4* the next. And we’re trying to blend those two things into just the free thoroughbred that he is.
Both went out to the schooling with me trying to stay optimistic. Both had stops. Both were a mixture of me not riding at my fullest capabilities, and them being distracted or confused.
But both came home sound, safe, better for it, and ready for the next day.
I will never be the person who is complacent in my riding as long as I own horses who can rise with me, and the money to do so.
And I currently have two horses who force that growth every day. Every ride. Every time I tack up.
For that, I am appreciable. Because without growing pains, we won’t have growth. And I’m just not done growing. Rising to the new challenges. Conquering them one by one, or with gaps of years in between.
So I guess you could say my day schooling was great. Because we found some flaws, we found some solutions, we grew up a little bit more, and we kicked onto the next. That’s all I can truly ask these horses to do, and that’s all I can truly ask of myself.
I’ve sold a lot of horses.
Always with the intention to sell, and always with a profit in mind. Because for the last 5 years, I was a broke graduate student. And finding, retraining, and selling thoroughbreds helped me pay the bills for my own horses.
Maybe more importantly, was the fact that I loved it.
I enjoyed the selection process; assessing the pros and cons of each horse, and knowing what I could and could not live with. I enjoyed scouring the farms and the backsides, meeting so many great people along the way. And I lived for that adrenaline rush of loading a new pony onto my trailer and beginning the journey.
But I also craved that first, second, and third ride on those horses. It’s so thrilling to assess their brains on those initial hacks. To take them on their first field trip, or over their first jump.
For months these firsts continued, and my enamor with the process increased. Their first XC school, their first show. Their first grid, or their first time being braided. I lived for these moments.
And finally, they were offered for sale. And 95% of the time, I even enjoyed this part.
Because (outside of one situation), I truly felt as though I got to play matchmaker. I got to weed through the emails and messages and find the few who felt like a good fit. I got to schedule the first dates at the farm, and make the introductions. And then I got to watch those first dates unfold, and stand on the side lines to see if this coupling was meant to be.
Would she ask the right questions? Would he respond with an answer that was appropriate? Would she laugh when he made a joke? Would he listen when she talked?
It was like being a mother to a son who was finally 16 years old and handing the keys over. Had I taught him well? Had I raised him to open the door and pull out the chair? Would he chew with his mouth closed and walk her to the door?
All of these things were important because they all determined if a second, or third, or fourth date would be scheduled. Or more importantly—a marriage proposal.
I lived for making these partnerships, because nothing brought me more happiness than watching these relationships unfold. At events, on social media, through texts and emails. I am in contact with every owner of every horse, some even the second or third in the chai of command.
She had owned Miko for most of his life-having gotten him as a spry 3 year old. Although 100% thoroughbred, the massive gangly gelding had never raced, and yet took to eventing like a fish out of water.
And although I had known them for most of their partnership together, I didn’t know as much as I did until I moved into the same small boarding barn with her-our horses filling almost half of the stalls there.
A few years ago, I knew she wanted to move up to training level. We went out and XC schooled together. We hacked together, and shared treatment responsibilities. I helped her kick over her first big corner, and she screamed at me to look up down a bank.
And in the spring of 2016, we scheduled to go around the course of Spring Bay after the competition had finished. But in a twist of events, I canceled. I had run my young horse around beginner novice and had a terrible ride. My mind wasn’t in the right place, and I didn’t feel like having a terrible ride on my big boy.
So Kelly asked her then husband to come with, and she kicked off. They flew over the first few fences, but then in a flash, everything unraveled.
A missed distance, a pick instead of a kick, and a bad spot led to Miko chipping hard to a galloping fence and Kelly getting kicked out of the tack.
I knew only seconds later when her husband called me in desperation to come get her horse while he joined her in the ambulance to the hospital. Within only a few moments, both hers and her horses lives were forever changed.
The doctors told Kelly that she wasn’t to ride again…ever.
She had suffered one too many severe concussions, and like an NFL player, was risking early onset Alzheimer’s, mental cognitive disability, and her life if she were to have another significant fall.
And with that, hers and Mikos dreams of eventing at the upper levels were over. But maybe more scarily, was that her one escape and therapy was gone, and with it, she didn’t know what to do with her heart horse.
Kelly and I spent many a night at the barn talking about this. At first, I tried to convince her that it wasn’t the worst thing to sell him. Find him a good home, and watch the journey unfold. But it quickly became obvious to me that she wasn’t ready to relinquish the reins that definitively.
We would go back and forward. With her saying she wasn’t ready, and then realizing that her horse needed a job. She would decide she wouldn’t live with herself if anything were to happen to him, but then realize that he needed the work.
And finally, after almost two years of back and forward, we talked about a care lease. Her life had changed significantly, and with it, so had her ability to keep Miko in the level of care he was used to.
Would she make money? No. But would she be paying the bills for a horse she just groomed? No. And in response to that, Miko could be making some other persons dreams come true.
And at about this time, I saw the worlds best Facebook status.
A friend of mine down south was looking for a been there, done that horse. She was in the process of adopting a teenage son out of foster care, and he wanted to ride. She needed a horse that could take a joke, pack a kid, and still run and jump. She didn’t care about their maintenance or their record, their color or their size, she just wanted them to be safe at 2’6 and fall in love with her family.
And I just knew that I had that horse.
I quickly messaged both of them, and explained each other’s story. I told Molly that Kelly had gone through hell, losing her ability to ride, and that she wanted the perfect home for Miko, because anything less than perfection would give her a heart attack. I told Kelly that I didn’t know if this young boy would be able to event Miko this year, but that both Molly and her husband were great horsemen and at the end of the day, he would be taken amazing care of.
And then I rubbed my sparkly fairy dust together, whispered my voodoo, and sent a prayer to the Horse Gods that this all worked out.
And it did.
Molly took Miko after talking to Kelly on the phone for hours, but without trying him. They both decided that a trial would be best and worst case scenario, he came back to Lexington in a month.
Only, I don’t think he will ever return.
Because in a true twist of fate, he has become everything Molly needed and more.
As her adoption fell apart, her live unraveled, and her other horses became fire breathing dragons, she swung onto this new horse, knowing so little about him. And he just recognized that this was his chance to help, and help he did.
So last weekend they entered an event. It was Miko’s first in over 3 years. It was Molly’s first in a year-having broken her leg on XC last spring. And it more importantly, it was their first together.
They danced through dressage, they boldly jumped stadium. And finally, as years of anxiety and nerves washed away, they cantered around XC like two old friends.
He had stepped up to the plate even though it wasn’t the plate he was was originally supposed to be at. He had held her hand during a superbly rough week, and taken care of her when she needed it the most. And he had brought her confidence back right when she needed that boost.
But maybe more importantly, was that Molly had shown Kelly that her horse was still loved. Still ok. And still happy doing that job that he loved.
I am so excited to watch this relationship unfold. Molly is planning on trekking herself and Miko up to Lexington in a month to enter May Daze HT where both Kelly and I will be.
That weekend will be a big deal for everyone. For Molly as she tackles her redemption ride at BN-her first time back at that level since the day she shattered her ankle. For Kelly as she transitions from rider to cheerleader. And for me, as I get to watch yet another couple that I matched leave that start box and gallop off into the sunset. We will all win that day, and I can’t wait for it to get here.
Two years ago, I walked off of the cross country course with my shoulders sagging and my head hung low.
I had dropped my reins, determined not to take a single ounce of the disappointment out on the horse underneath me, while flashbacks to my childhood whirled through my mind.
It was 2016, and I was on the most talented horse I have ever sat on.
And in 2016, I was just cocky enough to crave some of that talent.
Sure I had sold some pretty fantastic horses, and currently owned one who was solidly competing at training level, but I dreamed of more.
I had never gotten the chance to have those dreams as a child, because I had never owned a solid horse. My one childhood horse Levi had been talented enough on the flat, but he was never brave enough on XC. And my current horse was brave enough over fences, but I truly felt that his ability and scope would be maxed out at training or prelim.
And then Nixon showed up.
At 17.1hh, with a massive glistening black shoulder, and an eye that screamed “let me at it,” I thought I finally had *that* horse, and this was only confirmed by every 4* rider that I rode him in front of. They all told me that Mak was cute, but Nixon was limitless. They told me that Nixon was who took me all of the way.
But none of them had to ride him every day of that journey.
Because while Mak was cute, he was also safe. The same horse day in and day out. An old soul in a young body. And in contrast to that, Nixon was hard. He was hot. He was scary.
He was scary enough that after that elimination in April of 2016, I didn’t feel as though he was rideable enough to enter another until yesterday. Exactly 2 years later.
During those two years, we earned our 1st level scores towards our bronze medal. We clinicked. We schooled. And we sweated. We had some good moments.
And I thought I had him mentally back last spring, and then that was quickly shattered as he kicked his way out of my trailer and left his hind leg in pieces. And after that, I thought he was done.
Nixon didn’t seem mentally the same after that fateful day in March, 2017. Where he was once cocky, he was now anxious. Where he was once bold, he now had a spook. And when he spooked, he ran. And when he ran, he RAN HARD.
In December, he took off with me. In dressage tack, and in the arena. Something he had never done. Unjustified. And I pulled him up, called my fiancé, and dissolved into tears.
I wanted him gone.
I rode alone every day, and this was no longer safe. I started calling the few people I trusted to give him to, and made arrangements to find a back 40 if that didn’t work. I chucked him into the field and kissed my 4* dreams good bye. I was resigned and content to go training for the rest of my life.
But then, something happened.
The minute I gave up, he stepped up. I stopped trying to put him in that 2nd level frame to get more scores, and trotted him around for 10 minutes a day like it was an AQHA show, and he took a deep breath. I didn’t jump him for 3 months, and when I did come back, we did courses of crossrails at the trot.
I made every ride be simple. Short. End on a good note.
I brought back trail rides, adventures to masterson, and happiness.
And Nixon thanked me by simply behaving.
And yesterday, we finally showed just how much. Because yesterday, we had our beginner novice redemption ride.
In the pissing rain, and without a warm up, Nixon stepped up to the plate, swung, and hit it out of the park.
We had a workmanlike dressage, a forward and happy stadium, and then the kicker of it all—we lived on XC.
I haven’t even schooled this horse over XC jumps since last August, so my goal was to trot. Trot in, trot out, and treat it like stadium. If we need a halt, we need a halt. If we need to walk a jump, so be it. The goal was to have a conversation, go between the flags, and stay on. And Nixon did all of that and so much more.
He trotted the first fence relaxed and happy, and then cantered off, excited to be out in the open. I brought him back to a trot and along we went. And then about 8 strides before the next jump, he broke into a gallop, and I thought “this isn’t going to end well.”
This is how our last XC round had ended. With him bolting, me see-sawing, his head between his knees, and then the inability to even see the jump, and a stop.
So this time, I decided to trust him.
I lifted my hands, sat up, and rode his 22’ stride with bravery. I added leg instead of going into the fetal position; and I stayed calm.
And for the first time, he just kept his stride, and up and over we went.
For 16 fences, it was the same. We trotted, we galloped, we saw the jump, we got excited, and we went over it.
I was near tears by the end of the course, realizing just how many battles had to be won to get to this place.
I had to battle his body as he shattered piece by piece in his fits of rage.
I had to battle his inability to get back onto a trailer after that incident.
I had to battle his brain as we rewired it, praying we could bring it back.
And I had to battle my expectations for this horse. I had gone from the highest of highs—believing he was my horse of the future, to the lowest of lows-wondering if he needed put down.
And I had finally settled somewhere in between.
Nixon might never get an FEI passport; hell-he might never go Novice. But for this one day, for this one time, he finally got to call himself an event horse. He finally got to finish something that everyone had said he was built for.
He finally got to have that redemption ride, and I got to be the one in the irons.
I can’t tell you how much a ribbon from an unrecognized event in the rain can mean to someone who has an extensive record in every other world, but it means more than you will ever know. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to that rosette, and while this isn’t the beginning, it sure is a peak in this winding road we take with these horses. I can’t wait to see what’s ahead.
Two years ago today, I sat on my couch and began thinking.
About what I wanted from my riding career. About the improvements I had made in the last year. About the two horses in my stable, and which I could afford.
I had just gotten home from the first show of the season, and realized I had some hard decisions to make.
My young horse had risen above all expectations, and in his first real show with jumps involved, he had come home with the blue in both his divisions—finishing on dressage scores of 20 and 26. And vice versa, my seasoned show pony had had a temper tantrum in the dressage to finish at novice on something like a 40.
And I started to wonder.
Did my seasoned show horse (who was only 8 at the time) really want to event? He seemed to hate dressage, and was about as unsupple as they came.
And vice versa, my young horse was what every upper level rider dreamed of. Big. Strong. Balanced. Opinionated. Scopey. Fancy.
So I did what I thought was necessary. I sold my “heart horse,” the plain Jane, the safe one to be a hunter, and I decided to keep the fancy one. Thinking I was heading to Rolex. Thinking I was making the right choice.
And two years later, I just have to shake my head at the ludicrousness of it all.
Because I just got back from that same show, with those two same horses. And oh how the tides have turned, and how karma has a fantastic way of smacking you upside the head.
Because Mak is back; and in two years he has gone from barely bending in a 20m circle at novice to scoring a respectable 35 in preliminary. And while his career as a hunter might have been short lasted, his knees in stadium are second to none. I couldn’t imagine a day where I didn’t have access to the ride on this horse, and just have to laugh at the fact that there was ever a time I considered him sellable.
In two years, he hasn’t just learned to bend, he has become downright fancy. In two years, he has chosen to not only to succeed as an event horse, but to enjoy it. And in two years, he has earned the love and support of so many along the way.
And vice versa, in two years, Nixon has selectively hit every road block that a horse possibly could. The most talented horse I have ever sat on, our journey has been filled with so many ups and downs. Broken bones and shattered dreams.
And yet this weekend, we made our journey around a redemption ride. Because although his improvement isn’t as apparent on paper, it is so apparent to everyone who has followed this journey.
Because for the first time in 18 months, Nixon was able to jump around a course. For the first time in 18 months, we finished on a number and not a letter. For the first time in 18 months Nixon didn’t have a broken bone, loaded on a trailer, entered a dressage ring on all 4 feet, and jumped all the jumps.
Two years ago, Nixon scored almost 20 points lower than he did yesterday. But two years ago, he was a different horse.
One year ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of entering a combined test, as I barely had control at home. But one year ago, he hadn’t scared himself (literally) to (almost) death.
So yesterday; while my dressage tests may have been more tense than I planned, and my stadium trips a bit more enthusiastic than I had wished for, I was so pleased.
Pleased that I could not only finish a show, but more importantly enter one.
Two years later, I somehow still own these two same horses. Both of their journeys have been rocky—one because of me and one because of himself. Both of their futures have been unstable at one point in time or another—one because of me and one because of himself. And both of them have come around.
Two years ago, I brought home two blue ribbbons, and today I have none. But my pride in these horses is somehow greater than it was two years ago.
Both of them have overcome. Both of them have turned a corner. And both of them are back. Maybe even better than ever.
So now, instead of looking at two years ago, I’m staring straight ahead. And I’m so excited for the future.
I hear it all the time.
“How do you do it?”
“How do you make time for it?”
“How do you juggle it all?”
And every time, I laugh. Because to me, it isn’t a question of how, but why.
Three inches of snow fell today in Lexington, Kentucky, and was still coming down at 4pm when I left the lab-having started my day at 7am on the research farm.
My plan has always been to give my horses the day off. The arena was white, the temperature was below freezing, and they didn’t “need” the exercise per se.
But then, one after another, my day crumbled. I received a medical bill. I got bad data from a project. I read a comment on Facebook that made my blood boil. And after hours of nothing but negativity, distress, and poor outcomes, I threw my laptop into my bag and called it a day.
And I drove to barn shaking my head. Trying to rationalize my bad day, the stress that comes with it, and the negativity seemed to seap into every other aspect of my life. I just felt like I couldn’t win, and didn’t know what to do to change that outcome.
But there was thing I could do-that I could change. I could change my decision to not ride. I could throw my bridle on my trustworthy Mak, and swing on over his thick winter blanket. I could take him through the gates of the farm and just let the world dissipate as I roamed the roads surrounding.
For it is not how I do it. No, no. That’s not even close. But it is why.
These animals, and the hours I have clocked both on them and alongside them, have gotten me through so much.
They have picked me up off the cold hard floor when the world drops me there unceremoniously. They have gotten me through break ups, the loss of friendships, a qualifying exam, and unfortunately death.
They are there when I feel as though I can’t get any lower, and each time, they recalibrate my soul. I know that they have been there at my absolute lowest, so I never question if they will be there on a less drastic day.
I don’t have them in my life to win fancy ribbons, or to be able to add stars in my name. Mak will never go above prelim, Nixon might never even complete an event, and lord knows Frank might not ever leave the farm. I don’t care if they are the prettiest, or the fanciest mover. I just care that they provide me an escape.
The distraction of a tough jump school. The quiet that comes from a long flat. The calm serenity of a good road hack. The bicep ache of a curry, or the world that is lost as you pull a mane.
I do my best thinking, I find my stability, and I recalibrate during that time.
So no, it’s not how. It’s why.
Because I have to. Just like eating. Or breathing. Or sleeping. That is riding for me. There is no other option.